Back in Boll
Uwe Boll, yesterday
They say the bravest thing you can do is admit when you are wrong.
Friends, I was wrong.
In the article below I insinuate that Uwe Boll finances his films with Nazi gold and spends the money on crack and child prostitutes. It turns out that this is only half true, he in fact exploits a German tax-loophole that means the more money he loses from his films, the more money his investors can write off.
You may ask: what kind of diabolical madman could have mastered the intricate German tax system to such a degree? Who would be willing to sodomise American pop-culture with such vehemence? Who was responsible for the deaths of Peter Parker's parents (as Boll boasts in interviews)?
Uwe Boll... kind of rhymes with: Red Skull- archenemy of Captain America and freedom itself!
S.H.I.E.L.D has been notified.
"For 150 euros a piece the whores would be naked and do as they were told."
Uwe Boll gives a thumbs up- to the Holocaust
The above quote is from Uwe Boll. It's not from one of his thin, one-dimensional characters. It's not from Max Hardcore or Fred Durst or some coked out Glendale pornographer drugging runaways at a bustop. It's German Z-movie director Uwe Boll, the abortion technician behind Bloodrayne, Alone in the Dark and House of the Dead, ceo of Boll KG. The last part is significant: Mr. Boll can't get financing from, y'know, places that actually finance films so, somehow, a company he set up pays for all his production costs. Now, while I can't prove he's financing his films with Nazi Gold, I cannot disprove it, and Boll has yet to publicly deny it.
I have yet to find anywhere on the internet (or in media that should actually be listened to, like CB radio) where people are willing to step up and defend this guy. To be fair, I haven't been looking, but my point is still valid. It seems that every time he gets close to releasing, or unleashing, one of his films there's a flurry of video game and movie blogs that link to his awful trailers.
I'm not one to buck the trend.
That's the trailer for In the name of the King: A Dungeon Seige Tale. RPGs, Deus Ex, System Shock 2 and San Andreas aside, have never really done it for me, and there are sex acts I would commit with my own grandparents before I spent a single second on World of Warcraft, so I'm probably the last person who'd be offended that he adapted Dungeon Seige. I don't really know, or care, whether he remained faithful to the plot, or whether my favorite busty elven wench would be appearing. Similarly, I never really got into Lord of the Rings, which Boll's celluloid enema shamelessly steals from, even down to the fuckin' font the title is written in and the casting of the dude who played the Dwarf (on an unrelated note, aren't Dwarves meant to be kind of plentiful in fantasy worlds? Why was there only one in the whole trilogy? What were they doing that was more important than saving the world from a big glowy eye monster and his army of Gollums? And why was he Welsh? All Dwarves do is mine, drink mead and sing, whereas the Welsh have at least two other interests)
Maybe I'm being unfair calling the Return of the Name of the Fellowship of the King: A Dungeon Seige Tale: Cum Fart Cocktails 4 a plaigarised, unimaginative, amatuerish rectal polyp dredged from Satan's own taint. Mr. Boll does use some of his Nazi Gold, which used to be people's teeth for chrissake, to put in one element that was in neither his source material or the timeless fantasy classic whose coatails he is attempting to ride straight into a Child Molestation Brothel.
There are Ninjas in it.
Once again, let me remind you that Uwe Boll has never once denied smoking crack while molesting children in front of pictures of Hitler and doing impressions of Chinese people.
I know that most Internet users regularly engage in hard drugs, child molestation, Hitler worship and casual racism, in fact it is the glue that binds us together, but here's the rub: Uwe Boll is bad for video games. Worse in fact than Jack Thompson and a million Hillary Clintons, worse than every police department that would rather blame crimes on Grand Theft Auto than actually do their jobs. Uwe Boll, by releasing retarded films about lousy videogames confirms every baby-boomer's suspiscion that games are artless, needlessly violent and fundamentally worthless culutral objects. 99% of the time they're right too, because the kind of games that warrant being made into films are the kind of adolescent crap holding back the medium's devlopment. Nobody wants to film the Total War series' sweeping epics, or Eve Online's beautiful spacescapes, or Metal Gear Solid and (the criminally underbought) Psychonaught's experimental narratives, because they don't need to be filmed. They're perfect as they are. It's the same reason nobody wants to film Picasso's Guernica, or The Stooges' Funhouse. Flawed games that appeal to only the most undiscerning player, like Bloodrayne and Boll's forthcoming Postal, convince hacks like him, and fellow monkeyfucker Paul 'WS' Anderson (the WS stands for 'White Supremacy'), that they'd be doing a service to gamers everywhere by bringing these games to mainstream attention.
There's a petition to stop Boll's maddness and bring him before a war crimes tribunal HERE.
Your opinions, taken care of
Looks like one little lady moved to big girl's pants a little early
It's that time again kids: The Buddyhead Best and Worst of 2005 list (featuring guest judge Josh Homme) and SomethingAwful's 'World's Greatest Dad' Awards (which is kinda like the 'Head's worst-of list only with a big emphasis on negging everybody's vibes).
Once again, I've got no complaints about any of the choices (although Buddyhead missed out on both Green Day and System of a Down but for some reason included the Oasis album in there). One interesting thing: they both used the picture of Fergie (the white girl the Black Eyed Peas cover in fake tan, pictured above) to illustrate teh Suck of that band.
This is the day that was
Like many of you, I am concerned that Google, once a simple search engine, has grown far too large and will inevitably turn into a Microsoft-like juggernaught which will advertise directly onto the retinas of every living human, and retcon advertising into the lives of all dead ones. Unlike many of you, I heartily embrace this trend and would like to take this opportunity to let our new Overlords know that my cathode-ray damaged frontal lobes and San-Andreas-induced capacity for random acts of senseless depravity would make me a perfect guard at one of your concentrated-advertising camps.
In anticipation of this corporate dystopia, I downloaded the Google Desktop side-bar, which streams constant news, RSS feeds and photos to your desktop at all times. I literally cannot not look away!
Here's some noteworthy newsoids from the global info-lake:
French Government pledges to tackle debt, desert, after a breather.
North Korean Leader's whereabouts unknown- is he behind you? Take our quiz to find out.
New Orleans unviels controversial rebuilding plan- experts say a gun aimed at God unlikely to deter future disasters.
LSD creator celebrates 100th birthday in dimension made from living music.
A Heartfelt Apology to Rock 'n' Roll Space Monsters
Gwar address the U.N, yesterday.
I would like to use this public forum to apologise to Oderus Urungus, Flattus Maximus , Beefcake the Mighty, Jizmak Da Gusha, Balsac the Jaws of Death and miss Hymenstra Hymen. I understand, that as monsters from beyond space who have come to earth to defile our women, you face a great deal of prejudice and our culture of decency and hygeiene has made it near impossible for you to get gainful employment in the medical or food service industry. You have faced not only a backlash from critics who don't understand your unique perspectives, but also libellous accusations that you are in fact a 'joke band', or, worse still, the outcome of a marketing project. Furthermore, the harrassment of Mr. Urungus by police officers for exposing his genitalia onstage is an abuse of authority on par with the Rodney King beating.
Despite my deep and abiding respect for your band I made the unforgivable mistake of downloading your music on January 6th of this year. I understand that this doesn't only hurt a faceless record label, but a hard working group of deviants who have done nothing more than commit unspeakably foul acts against humans and animals alike. Please accept my apology.
And please don't eat me.-G.
