No sex please, we're trying to have fun

Hot Coffee: The presence of a 'Fist' icon in the upper left is a little worrying.

So, I've noticed a lot of talk recently (in the linked article featured on Digg and in the always excellent Escapist magazine) about sex in videogames.
The argument goes that videogames are growing up (and pretty much falls down right there), and gamers are growing up, so we need grown-up themes in our M-rated games. Like fucking. So far, crap like the Lula and Leisure Suit Larry games have been as far as the mainstream has got to sex-based games, and neither series was that much fun. Then there was Grand Theft Auto, and the Hot Coffee 'mod', again not that much fun all told, and the whole 'romance' part of San Andreas was probably the weakest part of the game- often leading to immersion killing contrivances like the dance mini-games. There's also the fuckingness that creeps into MMORPGs, where (often cross-dressing) players whore their feeble imaginations out to higher-level players in return for gold and gifts (with hilarious results). It's all good fun- but I draw the line at cybering in Eve Online; hot Freighter-on-Freighter action is a kink too far.
So summarise: sex in games is either shit or improvised. Not surprising when you consider its competition: sex in real life, which can be improvised, sure, but between consenting, experienced adults is rarely all that bad.
Now, am I alone in thinking that we play games to get into worlds and situations that are better than real life? In a real-life gun fight the two possible outcomes are a bloody death if I lose or a lifetime of guilt and possible jail sentence if I win. In games I can shrug off dozens of bullets and experience no guilt at all. Games one, life nil.
Then there's the matter of integration. Violence is pretty easy, because it presents a challenge. Fuck up your violencing and you have to replay from the last save point, or in MMORPGs you lose money, items or experience points (In Eve, if your Corporation's planet-sized Titan gets blown up you've lost several hundred dollars, several weeks of training and every friend you've ever made in the game). If you fuck up your sexualising? Well, the virtual girl might not like you any more (and you better believe your fucktarget's going to be a girl). The other alternative is a sexy cutscene as a reward. This is pretty horrible. You remember the end of 'Under Siege', where Steven Seagal makes out with that Playboy Bunny in front of the crew of that aircraft carrier? Watch that immediately after finishing an FPS and you'll see how awkward this idea is.
Then there's control and feedback. In real sex you've got five senses and a billion nerve endings telling you what's fun. If you're doing it right that's not even your primary concern- all the billions of nerve endings and suchforth in your partner is where your brain should be. An Excitement bar, some sound effects ('fap, fap, fap') and a buzzing control pad don't go nearly far enough to convey the complex feedback you get from a real sex partner. Now, I'm not saying that the funny little buzz from an Xbox controller replicates what it's like to fire a gun- there's no recoil, no gunsmoke- but sex is divine and violence is profane. In other words, you don't want to get violence right, so gamers and developers can settle for less, whereas sex is wonderful and seeing as games can't do it justice it shouldn't be done at all.
Also, before I forget half of the potential gamers in the world, dig this: sex in games going to drive women gamers away. You get that boys? Your LAN parties are going to become sausage parties, the chances of that buxom elf you've just signed your Epic Mount over to being a more realistically proportioned lady becomes slim to nil. I don't wish to imply that women are turned off by erotica, or even pornography- they aren't. Some of the finest pornhounds I know are female. But the games industry is more male-driven than even the porn industry, and it shows. Speaking as a guy involved almost exclusively in making imaginative fiction I can tell you on good authority that most of us are just not that good at crafting female characters that women can relate to. Those of us perceptive enough to realise that Princess McBreasts- the martially skilled but vulnerable love interest of Strongo the Barbarian- might not appeal to our limited female customer base usually seek out our wives, girlfriends and female friends to get their input on characterization. Not possible when the only woman working for your hip and progressive software company is the receptionist. Developers just aren't going to be able to write sexual situations that feel realistic to female gamers, and through word of mouth and blog potential gamers and developers who just happen to have ovaries are going to turn away, leaving only teenage boys who think that 'Well done for defeating those Kobolds Strongo, now take me with your Barbarian sex! (push up and down in rhythm)' is a mature situation.
(Oh, and don't get me started on the possibility of gay themes in games: when the maker of the biggest MMORPG in the world has to be told that a LGBT-friendly guild doesn't constitute hate speech we're a long way off from seeing 'Ah wish I knew how to quit you' as a dialogue option. Or even one gamer in a thousand who knows where that quote comes from).
So, developers: hire more women- especially in the non-technical side of the development process, like writing and producing. There's a female Will Wright or Peter Molyneux out there just waiting to transfer her ideas into code, and create a massively important (and profitable) crossover hit. Guy gamers: stop buying games with badly done sex in them- this should be as instinctive as saying 'don't put sharp things into your urethra', but apparently still needs to be said considering the sales of tawdry crap like Lesiure Suit Larry: Cum Magna Lauda. Women gamers: keep playing, don't hide your gender in MMORPGs or devalue it by 'cybering' your way to rewards males have to earn. Become the best at what you do, run your own Guild or Corp, call male players out on their sexist bullshit. This goes double for queer-identified players: don't let some pimply fourteen year old use 'fag' as an insult. Report them if they pull that 'but I'm doing freedom of speech' crap- they're obviously too stupid to be using a computer.
If enough people do this, we might just have a game fit for adult consumption some time before the universe implodes.