Gaywads, Dorkwads sign historic Wad accord

Left to right: Dorkwad, Gaywad.

Proof, if any is needed that God does indeed hate us all, Avenged Sevenfold and Coheed and Cambria have combined their Wad energy to create an inferno of pimples, eyeliner and virginity. To underline the fact that all forms of human expression are now officially dead, the bands have chosen to fill the support slots with fellow Ass Professionals Eighteen Visions and Head Automatica.

Review: The Southwestern United States

Rapper Ice-T and a female companion soliciting virginity pledges, (c) Associated Press

Well, it's been a while since I've posted anything, even longer since I posted anything unrelated to Uwe Boll, but I've been out and about, seeing this wonderful country they call America (The United States of).
I've 'done' the Southwest this past week. The Southwest has also 'done' me, in much the same way as the vacant prostitutes who line the region's many prostitute lined streets are 'done' by roomfuls of frat boys.
I visited the fine states of Utah, Nevada and California (pronounced Cali-for-nigh-yay), and will endevour to provide a fair and balanced review of them all.

Graphics

Utah: The depraved and decadent flock to this modern day Sodom to witness every indiscribable perversion take place as they masturbate into a handful of Bible pages. Meth addicts who crave cock? Check. Bestiality in public schools? Check. Skinhead junkies eating babies and vomiting them onto George Clooney? Double check.
Nevada: Shades of those who once live shuffle about the endless plains of Nevada, seeking to devour the very souls of the living. Also, I saw Ice-T step out of a limo here.
California: The majority of the state is only visible briefly, usually during sunrise. Goggles that simulate the dawn's light are usually of poor quality, so I am unable to give an accurate assesment of what California actually looks like. I'm guessing there are buildings, probably some fields or something. I smelt Mexican food, so maybe there are Mexican eateries.

Sound

Utah: You know that sound kids make by pinching their cheeks and jerking it around? The one that's supposed to sound like somebody masturbating, but doesn't? That's the sound Utah makes. Invest in earplugs.
Nevada: The baleful moans of the dammned assail the ears of all who pass through Nev-A'h-Da'h, a place ignored by God himself.
California: You know that sound a television makes when it's muted. California sounds like that, though there's also a faint ringing sound that moves further away as you approach it. Eventually, deprived of all audio stimulation, you WILL think you are hearing human voices- the tourist board advises that this condition (known as St Elmo's Cellphone), will pass in two to three days.

Gameplay

Utah: In Utah, the name of the game is Murder. The objective: to Kill. Typically, visitors can expect to be thrust into any one of the state's four 'Deathbowl' stadia, in which they will compete for the crowd's favor with other recent arrivals in armed and unarmed combat- always to the death. Those showing mercy will have their locator collars (distributed upon entering the state) activated, detonating the explosives inside. Tourists are advised that in order to enjoy a pleasant stay one must be a lone space explorer thrown onto the planet during tests of the Earth Space Command's prototype Faster-than-Light drive. Unable to understand the barbaric alien culture of Utah, visitors should be immediately set upon by slave traders, sold to the Deathbowl arenas, where they should prove their mastery in two-fisted American punching combat. Visitors may also enjoy falling in love with the state's Princess, or defeating the cruel dictator of Utah (Emporer Gargack, Rep-UT)- liberating the opressed people and capturing the Utahnian's own prototype faster-than-light drive, thus securing safe passage home. Remember, it is considered courteous to explain to the beautiful and compassionate Princess Rilaindra that she may not accompany you back to Earth, and must instead lead her people to a better future now that her father has been defeated.
Nevada: Nevada is known for it's exclusivity, as only those souls lost between heaven and hell may make permanent residence there. Visitors often marvel at the sheer soul-renching desolation, though you should also take time to pray for a death that will never come.
My own visit was marred by the presence of flesh-eating Ghouls- things not quite human possessed of an unquenchable thirst for human flesh. Though I fought valiantly the Ghouls
could not be harmed by my weapons (mainly insults, though I also threw a shoe at them). I am eternally thankful to superstar rapper Ice-T for rescuing me from their rasping talons when he did, and for having the presence of mind to carry the Scepter of Light, whose magical radiance disintegrated said Ghouls. In summary, if you wish to visit this forgotten place, you should be either a) a dammned soul, b) a bloodthirsty Ghoul or c) Ice-Muthafuckin'-T.
California: They say California is a state of mind. Once again they fail to grasp the subtlties of the Golden State, which is actually an infinite sea of particles possessing negative energy, described by British physicist Paul Dirac in 1930 to explain the anomalous negative-energy quantum states predicted by the Dirac equation for relativistic electrons. As such, California is the place for those who really want to get away from it all, if by 'it all' you include all matter and energy. Consequentially, visitors with young children may find they have few things to keep their little ones occupied. In today's world of Pokemon and Xbox children need to do more than contemplate an infinite void. It has however become popular with Buddhists such as the Beastie Boys and Richard Gere.

Overall

The Southwestern United States are a rollercoaster ride of baffling inversions of logic and the very laws of physics that bind our universe together- much like my home state of Oregon (which is being smoked in a galactic bong over billions of years by fifth dimensional hippies) or Michigan (set in a terrifying parallel universe where the Nazis won world war 2).