Movie Review: Le Island

Scarlett Johannsen, not pictured: my erection.

I don't really dig paying for films. That's why I use bittorrent to download them. It makes a lot of sense; if I had gone to the cinema to see some of the films I've seen recently then I'd have paid money to spend ninety minutes waiting for the guy from the Shield to say 'It's clobbering time!' and seen films which any reasonable cinema viewer would compare to having raw sewage injected into their eyes. I would have also parted with £5 a pop to sit through an admittedly quite scary horror film only to have my viewing experience end with possibly the most stupid ending since the tap-dance number at the end of Zatochi. Without downloading I would also have paid full price for a DVD of one of the most relentlessly stupid films I've seen in my entire life.
That's why I downloaded Michael Bay's summer blockbuster The Island, or to give it it's correct name, The.Island.INTERNAL.FRENCH.TS.REPACK.1CD-IcE-TEAM.avi.
It turns out that I should have really listened to the 'French' part.

Director: Le Bay Michael.

Cast:

Scarlett Johannsen
-Her Breasts.
Ewan McGregor
Steve "Steve Buscemi" Buscemi

In futuristic France, the French government has built a vast underground cloning facility to supply the population's insatiable hunger for meat created in the cruellest conditions possible. Ewan McGregor is Six-Écho De Lincoln , a clone whose skin and organs are destined for the Parisian dinner tables. Consumed by bitterness and self-loathing he engages in cold, mechanical sex with Delta De la Jordanie Deux (Scarlett Johannsen), a prostitute who may also be his sister. In one thrilling scene (shot enitrely in black and white and comprising 39 minutes of the film's running time) Jordanie has Lincoln swear his undying love to each of her body parts in turn, a conciet that may have been derivative if the scene hadn't been shot on Jet-Powered Hover Bikes.
McGregor and Johannsen's dialogue only amounts of five minutes of screen time, allowing the pair to communicate entirely through languid stares and smoking. It is a testament to director Michael Bay's unflinching artistic vision that he interrupts potenitally crucial scenes to show a close-up of a clock or glass of water, and film viewers must surely appluad 20-year old ingenue Scarlett for only attempting suicide four times after shooting a gruelling hour-long rape scene with co-stars Buscemi, Michael Clarke-Duncan, Sean Bean, Rocco Sifferidi and Asterisk which was cut from the final film.

Memorable Quotes
Six-Écho De Lincoln : Je pense qu'ils vont vous tuer.
Deux-Delta De la Jordanie : Je vais à l'île.
Six-Écho De Lincoln : La Jordanie, là * est * aucune île !

Overall: Le l'île is a challenging, thought-provoking piece of world cinema that deftly explores human relationships, close-ups of objects and France's complicity with their Nazi occupiers in World War Two. Maybe I'm being a little presumptious, but I think the next Palm D'or is in the bag.