Games Roundup: tEh sUxx0r u luv

Fluffy-Dinkums gets ready for squad-based online action by firing at bystanders in Satan's name (above)

As ever, I have the hottest scoops in gaming: straight from my Gaming Overmind to your sweaty palms:

Streetfighter: Popular Culture Reference Rumble: Hurricane Katrina edition

The enduringly popular Streetfighter series finally enters September 2005 (after August's mold-breaking Street Fighter: Trapped in the Closet Battle Royale) with this installment featuring characters tangential to events in New Orleans. Players can choose from 93 playable characters, including Michael Brown, Cindy Sheenan, Sean Penn, Kanye West, Chun Li and Bill Clinton. Though a confusing array of new characters meant that in previous Streetfighter games the character's picture was so small that it couldn't be selected without affecting the outcome, developers Konami have allayed player's fears by promising that you will be able to see Chun Li's panties (descirbed as 'white cotton') during high-kicks and cartwheels.

Special Operations: Terrifyingly real ops executive black gamma: Colon: Middle Eastern Goregasm:

Coldly Brutal games unvieled their potential Battlefield 2 beater at Gamecon 1997, held in the Scranton Freight Airport Hilton, NJ. The game promises a level of arbitrary death unparalelled in modern gaming: with enemy snipers able to fire through all terrain features and, in a bold move, able to see and kill the player before the game is installed. Players are invited to log on to Coldly Brutal's website, where they can register their repeated deaths in the game before purchase. A full complement of modern weapons is included, from military staples like the M4 to more esoteric weapons like the FN-P90 submachinegun, a medieval Mace and the exploding clam-shells used to assasinate Fidel Castro. All weapons will be purely ceremonial, as their use alerts enemy artillery positions to your location.
The Developers promise that although you and 99% of people you know will be unable to play the game, due to its massive system requirements and the fact that you can be killed by enemy fire during loading screens, there will always be that one guy you know who has never touched a girl yet can miraculously survive punishing military simulators, respects Rommel like most people respect Martin Luther King and can actually remember all the bastard key-bindings that prevent your squad from marching single-file into machine gun fire like most people remember their children's names.
Special Operations: Terrifyingly real ops executive black gamma: Colon: Middle Eastern Goregasm will be published in Febuary 2006.

Championship Manager 2008: Look, we don't mind if you masturbate.

A refreshingly honest addition to the popular football management franchise. CM2008:LWDMIYM offers a stripped-down interface, allowing players to get down to the nitty-gritty of Championship Managing (wanking themselves silly over pictures of footballers) without any of the tedious statistics or interactivity, via a simple Windows Slideshow of the players of Divisions 1-4, the Premiership and Scottish cup. Pre-orders have already overwhelmed the game's developer; the combined effects of a failing education system and radiation from mobile phones is credited for creating a generation of 13-45 year olds incapable of relating to each other through other means that reciting the excruitiating minutae of a game they themselves are too overweight to play.

Perfect Dark Zero

A prequel to the Nintendo 64 smash, this Halo-beating title follows the adventures of a young Joanna Dark: how young? Well, developers Rare say that levels will involve skipping, doing cartwheels, putting on mummy's shoes and crying because your uncle touched you in a bad place. A version where the uncle is replaced by Cthulu and all skipping and cartwheeling is removed is in development for the lucrative Japanese market.

Japanese pornographic staple Cthulu, explaining to Agent Joanna Dark what to tell her mother if she asks where those bruises came from. (c) Rare interactive