On being a good boyfriend

Now I know a lot of you out there probably have problems building a strong relationship. I mean, you're on tEh 1ntErwEb, how great can your life be? Right? Yeah, you know I'm right.
Hi, I'm G and today I'll be talking you through the finer points of Boyfriending. Ladies, look away because this is just for the fellas!

Step One: Really learning to communicate

The following is a dialogue between me and my special lady Emily, taken from MSN Messenger. As you can see we really have our communication mojo working!

Emily says:
Hey G
Terr0r_Fabulous says:
Hey, what's going on?

Notice that I'm asking about her before I talk about myself.

Emily says:
I found out today that the man who I've had this long running unrequited-love thing with has just gone and got himself a boyfriend!

Hold up there! Now I know that the standard reaction in this situation is to jump up and down, howl as loud as you can and throw your own feces, but remember that there'll be plenty of time for revenge later. Also, girls hate homophobic men, so remember to act like you like gays or something.

Terr0r_Fabulous says:
Hooray for him
Emily says:
I guess
Emily says:
a shock for me
Terr0r_Fabulous says:
Yeah whatever. I really want to bring back that phrase 'Bully for you'. Isn't that a great phrase?
Terr0r_Fabulous says:
But anyway, do continue

See me giving her cues to continue? That's some real communicating there folks!

Emily says:
that's it, that's the whole story
Terr0r_Fabulous says:
Oh.
Terr0r_Fabulous says:
So you didn't see them like making out and junk?
Emily says:
nah
Terr0r_Fabulous says:
'cos sometimes its okay for guys to make out with each other. It's call doing it 'on the down low'.
Emily says:
yeah, I heard about that from you before
Terr0r_Fabulous says:
So if like I was making out with a dude, like a really muscular dude and I felt really safe with him and it wasn't like we were gay or anything but when we held each other in our arms we just felt something we knew we would never find with a woman, that would be okay
Emily says:
does he have to be really muscular?
Terr0r_Fabulous says:
Uh, yeah. And there's a fireplace too. We're making out by a fireplace
Terr0r_Fabulous says:
I mean. Hypothetically.
Emily says:
does it involve Mr.T like last time?
Terr0r_Fabulous says:
Nah.
Terr0r_Fabulous says:
His name's Stefan and he's a Ski instructor. There's a blizzard outside and we're the only two people left in the lodge. We get to talking and eventually come to discussing our fantasies, and he, blushing admits he always wondered what it would be like to gay off with another dude. Then, under the candlelight we embrace, tenderly at first. We savor the feeling of each others stubble, the taut mass of fiborous manhood that lay waiting beneath our clothes.
Stefan is the first to remove his shirt. His body had been sculpted by seasons on the ice- I feel almost embarassed as I remove my silk gown, but the kiss he plants on my chest has me instantly reassured.
We love like boys at first, like two young Spartans trying out new wrestling moves. It is only after he gets me on my front, my face warm against the bear-skin rug, that we understand what it is to love like Men.
Emily says:
you want to know if that would be okay?
Terr0r_Fabulous says:
Yeah
Emily says:
okay with who?
Terr0r_Fabulous says:
Society
Emily says:
I don't see why not
Terr0r_Fabulous says:
Just wanted to clear that up
Emily says:
might not be okay with me though

You can see she's really starting to open up at this point.

Terr0r_Fabulous says:
It's a really bad blizzard we're stuck in
Emily says:
yeah, but you're not going to die?
Terr0r_Fabulous says:
No. Stefan straddles me, a single finger tracing a path down my spine, past my buttocks and finally, inside me. First one, then two. It feels at once agonising and glorious, a pain I had missed for twenty-one long years. He does not hold back when he finally penetrates me, and though I gasp I don't want him to. I want to enjoy every thrust of his tanned, Latin hips. And I do.
When he is spent I lie him on his back and pull his knees to his chest, taking my time almost as a contrast to Stefan's pure, animal ferocity.
For hours that stretch out into days that stretch out into eons we are every man who has ever loved another; we are Alexander and Hephaestion, Oscar Wilde and Robert Ross, Jack Kerouac and Neal Cassady.
It is the following morning, after the blizzard has died and the juices he fired freely over each other's faces and chest have dried into flakes, when Stefan spots a young deer outside. Feeling as though no act could ever satisfy our vast appetites we take the deer and-

*This post has been edited for content by blogspot.com. The six-thousand words removed violate site policy and the laws of most nations. Please refer to our Terms and Conditions document for details*
...Yeah but anyway this is a *totally* hypothetical situation which in no way happened that one time when I went to Austria.
Five minutes or so passed after my post, so long in fact that her status switched to 'Away'. Then it hit me: she was obviously so pleased that I could share my feelings with her so fully and eloquently that her female mind was overcome and she was rendered unable to type! Mission accomplished guys!
A few minutes later I see her status change to 'available'- time to get back to some more caring and sharing!

Emily says:
Hi whos this?
Terr0r_Fabulous says:
Just your sweet hunk of manness here. Definitely not masturbating.
Emily says:
This is Emilys sister she's in the bathroom throwing up
Terr0r_Fabulous says:
She's not pregnant is she? 'cos if she is I'm coming over there with a knitting needle
Emily says:
Wot!?! :(
Terr0r_Fabulous says:
Y'know. To like knit the baby a sweater. Yeah.
Emily says:
Oh ok! :) i dont think shes pregnant I bet its our mums yucky casserole! ROFL!!!!1!!!!!11!!
Terr0r_Fabulous says:
Yeah. LOL and stuff. So what are you wearing?

Girls LOVE to talk about clothes. Plus, when they tell you what they're wearing, you can picture it in your head and beat off into a grey gym sock. Two birds! One stone! It's logical thinking like this that makes Men the best gender ever!

Emily says:
???????
Terr0r_Fabulous says:
I really like your sisters nice soft hands. Do you use a moisturiser?
Emily says:
Sometimes.
Terr0r_Fabulous says:
I think Emily keeps a jar by her desk, see if you can find it.
Emily says:
Found it!
Terr0r_Fabulous says:
Ok. It puts the lotion on its skin.
Emily says:
Wot?
Terr0r_Fabulous says:
It puts the lotion on its skin.
Emily says:
?
Terr0r_Fabulous says:
It puts the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again.
Emily says:
Okay I put some of the lotion on now what????
Terr0r_Fabulous says:
It puts the lotion back in the basket.
Emily says:
Wot basket?????
Terr0r_Fabulous says:
It puts the lotion back in the basket or else it gets the hose.

She didn't reply- time to take the inititive!

Terr0r_Fabulous says:
PUT IT IN THE FUCKING BASKET OR I'LL SLIT YOUR FUCKING THROAT!!!!
(Emily has logged off)

So you see guys, there really isn't any greater reward than honest and open communication with your special someone. Except perhaps being spared the wrath of Cthulu when he rises from the depths to devour mankind.

Stay tuned for more great relationship help!